Trump, In Verse

Have you any conception what truly disgusts me?
(Besides the reality nobody trusts me?)
Whenever a paper straw touches my lips
from those Diet Cokes wherein I take tiny sips.

The feel of that paper straw as it’s dissolving…
What problem did Joe Biden think he was solving?
As your favorite President, I’ll use my leverage
to bring plastic straws back for sipping your beverage.

Both paper and plastic, of course, are disposable –
but paper straws mean that you need thumbs opposable
to peel off that useless, superfluous sheath
and reveal the cut-rate, flimsy straw underneath.

Plastic is sturdy, long-lasting, robust –
used by people like me (who are called “upper crust”).
But those Green New Deal types all resist my cajoling ‘em
because they object to straws made from petroleum.

It’s said paper straws are more biodegradable
than plastic straws are; I think that’s debatable.
And even if plastic will not deconstruct,
all that should really matter is how much I suck.