Trump, In Verse

Pete Hegseth
I promise, if confirmed, that I will never take another drink.
I might enjoy the bouquet of a fine wine – but won’t taste it.
But if I can’t pass a background check, well… here I’ll be succinct:
my faux sobriety goes down the tubes; in no time, I’ll be wasted.

I’m not the man I used to be. I’ve turned into another;
new-found faith in Jesus Christ, our Lord, has led to my salvation.
And although I was disparaged in an email from my mother,
she now says I am a good boy and deserves her adoration.

My past was filled with alcohol, financial impropriety,
creating hostile workplaces, and sexual assault.
As far as rogue behaviors go – I’ve offered a variety.
Of course, I’ve now denied them all; said nothing was my fault.

My background as a miscreant? Not clear if I’ll recant this –
since much of my behaviors are quite similar to Trump’s. He
has denied that any others lay in waiting (like DeSantis),
so I’m confident I’ve got him in my corner – ‘til he dumps me.